Are you tired of being attacked by legendary Broadway actresses?

It’s a growing problem. In New York City alone the leading cause of injury among people ages 13-95 is attacks by Broadway ingenues.¹ We ourselves were once attacked four times in one week by Rita Moreno.

Most of these attacks are covered up out of fears they could adversely affect theater attendance. But they are very real.

Now, thanks to recent advances in technology you can protect yourself.

We recently attended a performance of Avenue Q in NYC. Naturally the theater had multiple signs saying “No cameras” and warning against photography. These, however, were in direct violation of my Constitutional right to use my cell phone to photograph the shit out of everything.

So here’s the basic setup you need to easily take secret spy photos of a Broadway show.

• Wear a button-up Oxford style shirt with a left or right breast pocket.
• Place your iPhone camera into one of these pockets, carefully making sure that the camera lens is peeking out of the top of your pocket.²
• Use your Apple Watch as a remote viewfinder to take photos.

The photo illustrating this story was taken using this method, for instance.

The ushers patrolling the theater like North Korean prison guards suspected nothing. They just thought I was was selfish, rude theater patron constantly checking his watch in full view of the actors.

However, this method is also not without some problems. You’re basically taking creeper photos.

But, do you want to risk a wendigo-style attack by Helen Mirren? It’s best to go the safe route.

1. Citation needed.
2. Because of their size, an iPhone 6 or iPhone 6 Plus works best for this.